The BBQ Throne of Manly Men

 

   A man’s world is a wide place, but when it comes to the world of food, the unofficial throne lies before the almighty BBQ.  I have a strong belief that men have the innate ability to cook meat over an open flame.  Women scoff at this.  How hard can it be? 

Pretty tough actually.

     When we enter into the instinctual world of grease, meat, and the goodness of charbroiled flavor, we do more than just grunt and speak in a guttural voice, we become expert planners.   I might have more insight than others in this because I was a boy scout as a kid, and when we cooked out, we cooked whatever we could find over an in-ground wood fire.  When done right, it can be the best meal you have had in a while, but when done wrong, it can be so scarring that you will shudder whenever you hear the snap and crackle of fire coupled with the sight of meat.  Also my first job was in a steakhouse, so I have been formally taught the hows and whys of cooking steak.

What not to do:

1.)    Don’t use liquid flammables to start your fire. The flavor from the fluid will instill itself into the meat and you will have a new understanding of your car’s diet.

2.)    Don’t put your meat on the grill or over the fire when the

      flames are actually licking the meat. This will burn the meat

      and instill the wrong type of smokiness to your flavor.

3.)    Don’t be a TV chef and poke and prod your meat constantly, you will always undercook/overcook your meat because you are just being a wuss about being a man and just drinking your beer and waiting.

4.)    Don’t slather your meat in olive oil, if you marinate with some oil in it, make sure that it is not dripping the oil right into the flames, this can cause a flare up, and ruin your meat.

5.)    When your meat is done, DON’T CUT YOUR MEAT until it is served.  The juices will all run out, drying up your meat.

     That’s pretty much it.  Simple right? Yeah, sure, but you would be surprised at the number of people that screw this up.  Why are women not good at this?  Well, many women ARE good at this, but are not naturally predisposed for this kind of cooking.  They are wired to always DO something, or are always thinking about many things at once.   There is a difference in the way their brain works—women have a thicker myopic membrane between the two sides of their brain, increasing the flow of mental ‘traffic’, making it harder to focus on one thing, but makes them perfect multi-tasking super powers.  Men on the other hand don’t have this (gay men have been found to have a myopic membrane more like a woman’s, interestingly enough), and this allows them to stay on track with drinking their beer and letting the meat do its thing.

Now, there are some things that you might want to do:

1.)    Know your cut of meat.  This is important since where the meat comes from on the animal will dictate what flavors the meat needs and what preparation, if any, is needed.  Legends say that the closer to the middle of the animal is where the most tender meat is, and this means that you have to do much less to the meat to make it excellent.  While this is not always true, such tender meat cuts like the Filet Mignon require minimal preparation, but requires technique to pull off correctly. (A pan sear and slow finish in an oven with some garlic butter on top).  Top round and bottom round can be marinated.  Bottom round should marinate a good long time.

2.)    Know how your local butcher prepares the meat.  Some places will actually puncture their meat with a machine to tenderize it.  This is not a good practice as it really hurts the meat and has the chance to infuse it with harmful bacteria.  Meat is best when served medium rare, and this means that bacteria should not be introduced to the area of the meat that will be the rarest.  Talk to your local butcher and see what they do.  My wife almost died as a child because of this, and had to undergo a life-or-death surgery to save her.  She still has the scars to prove it happened, so ask a question, and save a savory life.

3.)    Dry rub salt your beef and brine your chicken. Pig is naturally salty.  It keeps the juices in.  Juices are the key to a good tasting meat. We are geared to enjoy them, so don’t let the veritable nectar of the animal escape! (make sure for pig roasts you have your slaughtered pig rest in a meat fridge overnight to ensure all the bad things are killed before the heat kills off the other ones.)

4.)    Once you place your meat on the grill, close the cover.  Wait until you have definite grill marks branding the meat before your turn it or flip it.  After it is flipped, close the lid again.  When you check a few minutes later, you can test the doneness by how soft and springy the meat it when you touch it.  Feel that area of skin on top of your hand between your thumb and pointer finger.  Right in the middle of that area mimics what medium well is like on a steak.  Weird, but it works unless you are 110% hard muscle or a robot. 

5.)    Let your meat rest 10 minutes before serving.  This allows the meat to relax.  Remember, the meat will still be cooking a bit after it leaves the grill, so taking it off a smidgen early is fine.  If the meat is cut before it relaxes, the juices will literally spring out of the meat, drying it out and ruining the flavor.  Letting it set allows the juices to calm down and integrate with the meat again. 

     Follow these steps and you will be able to make us men proud and make your guests remember you for eternity (insert epic echo here).   This is a proven set of techniques that I showed my wife, and now she too is a wiz at the grillin’ business…though I have to distract her from poking the meat around too much and remind her to mind the times, but she cooks them up great!  More experience and she will be grilling like me! *gulp* should I worry?